The Heart of a Slave?

"If the wind will not serve, take up the oars."

Do I have the soul of a slave, or that of a free man? I've met so many women and men whose past haunts them - owns them. They stumble constantly, never quite themselves, always carrying a piece of someone else with them. They are a slave to the memory of the pain - just as I have been. The thought of living the rest of my life like this scares me, but letting go of the memories scare me even more. . . For where is the justice in that?

I've often heard that you: 

"Need the bitter in order to prize the good." 

But by hanging on to the bitter, I have been unable to enjoy the taste of the good. It has soured all that should have been sweet and stolen the pleasure I had hoped to experience. I felt damaged, ruined, unworthy to be any man's woman. Fear twisted my reality and made it as if I were seeing it through colored glass, everything mis-shappened and distorted. 

The more I dwelt on the bitter, the less I could see the good. . . It was as if the longer I spent thinking about what had happened, the more likely it was that it would happen again. . . As if Satan and his angels were using my thoughts as suggestions. And so I blamed the heavens, I blamed the men, I blamed my childhood, and I blamed my own stupidity. But that's when I heard something that changed all of that. 

"We MUST defend personal accountability"

I am responsible for where I am today. No one and no event can force me to respond to a situation a certain way. If I am offended, it is because I chose to be offended. If I am hurting inside, it is because I have chosen to be hurt. No, this doesn't sound fair at all; but it is the truth. A truth it took me several months to accept. But once I did, instead of bemoaning the horrors of the past, I was able to appreciate how much better the present was. And the beautiful part of it all is that if I am accountable for my past and my response to it, I am also responsible for my present and my response to it. Suddenly, I am able to use the bitter to appreciate the sweet, so to speak. This got me thinking. . . 

"Who bears responsibility for justice to be?" 

Who bears responsibility for what happened to me? 

No one person - the blame could feasibly be stretched back generations. But when you bring personal accountability into play - the two parties directly involved are also directly responsible. 

But what does that mean for justice? For me, it meant that I had to ask forgiveness for my part, own it, accept it, and release it as a mistake I've owned up to and have learned from. I can do nothing to bring the other party to justice, but I trust that my heavenly Father will. We are only responsible for our piece in each situation, the rest is out of our hands. If we don't believe this, we can never be at peace.