The Heart of a Slave?

"If the wind will not serve, take up the oars."

Do I have the soul of a slave, or that of a free man? I've met so many women and men whose past haunts them - owns them. They stumble constantly, never quite themselves, always carrying a piece of someone else with them. They are a slave to the memory of the pain - just as I have been. The thought of living the rest of my life like this scares me, but letting go of the memories scare me even more. . . For where is the justice in that?

I've often heard that you: 

"Need the bitter in order to prize the good." 

But by hanging on to the bitter, I have been unable to enjoy the taste of the good. It has soured all that should have been sweet and stolen the pleasure I had hoped to experience. I felt damaged, ruined, unworthy to be any man's woman. Fear twisted my reality and made it as if I were seeing it through colored glass, everything mis-shappened and distorted. 

The more I dwelt on the bitter, the less I could see the good. . . It was as if the longer I spent thinking about what had happened, the more likely it was that it would happen again. . . As if Satan and his angels were using my thoughts as suggestions. And so I blamed the heavens, I blamed the men, I blamed my childhood, and I blamed my own stupidity. But that's when I heard something that changed all of that. 

"We MUST defend personal accountability"

I am responsible for where I am today. No one and no event can force me to respond to a situation a certain way. If I am offended, it is because I chose to be offended. If I am hurting inside, it is because I have chosen to be hurt. No, this doesn't sound fair at all; but it is the truth. A truth it took me several months to accept. But once I did, instead of bemoaning the horrors of the past, I was able to appreciate how much better the present was. And the beautiful part of it all is that if I am accountable for my past and my response to it, I am also responsible for my present and my response to it. Suddenly, I am able to use the bitter to appreciate the sweet, so to speak. This got me thinking. . . 

"Who bears responsibility for justice to be?" 

Who bears responsibility for what happened to me? 

No one person - the blame could feasibly be stretched back generations. But when you bring personal accountability into play - the two parties directly involved are also directly responsible. 

But what does that mean for justice? For me, it meant that I had to ask forgiveness for my part, own it, accept it, and release it as a mistake I've owned up to and have learned from. I can do nothing to bring the other party to justice, but I trust that my heavenly Father will. We are only responsible for our piece in each situation, the rest is out of our hands. If we don't believe this, we can never be at peace. 

Can't you see?!

You hold your compassion and your tenderness close to your chest - like it is a gift that should only be given on special occasions...

When did you start to think that by withholding your love and affections that you would protect yourself?! Open your eyes! You aren't living - you aren't smiling and laughing and throwing yourself at the world - daring it to challenge you. No, instead you have become the world. You have become dark, and withdrawn, and hard. You've become that which hurt you, and because of your misguided conception of peace and safety you are doing to others as was done to you.

Can't you see?

I love you. You are wonderful. You are strong. You are powerful. You are kind. You are everything that is good. And there's so much that I want to show you....

I want to show you how to play in the fall leaves. How to dance in the downpour. How to throw back your head and laugh on the mountain tops. How to sob in the valleys... I want to show you how to feel again.

Can't you see?

Life is so beautiful, and you are hiding from it. Please, take my hand and step out of the shadows. Laugh with me and sing with me. You don't have to trust me. I might hurt you. But you see, that's what makes this all so wonderful. It's what makes the happy moments so much sweeter - because you have chosen to share a piece of yourself with someone else, and they have valued it. And if they don't, then move on to someone else who does.

Can't you see?

You aren't fighting by holding onto the past. You aren't fighting by becoming hard and distant. You aren't fighting by tucking yourself close to your chest and away from the world. No, you have given up the fight. To fight is to go against the current! To fight is to glare into the face of potential pain and continue forward! You have not won, you have hidden. Hidden behind your anger. And your fear. And the injustices you have faced.

Come out!

Please! This is a battle worth fighting. Don't you see!? There is joy on the other side. There is healing. There is a life you have given up hope on. It's not too far away. It's not impossible to reach. It's not out of range. You can still have that! Yes, there's been pain... I know that there's been pain... Pain you don't even admit to at times... But you see, that pain could make possible joys so much sweeter, if you would just push through.

Just because the night is dark, do you refuse to turn on the lights in the morning? NO! You stumble around your room looking for the light switch, and once you find it you fling it on - casting the night away! Just because you have been, and maybe are still in, a dark situation does not mean there is not light. Don't give up on your dreams because the path to get to them is different than you thought it would be. Please, don't give up.

Have courage, dear heart. Have courage.

Plan #3 - Happy Place!

After all of this happened I was skittish of being along. I didn't want to be left with my thoughts. And when I was, I sunk into such a dark place that I couldn't pull myself out of it. I think that is the worst crime these men committed. They made me afraid of myself.

So, since I didn't like that, I changed it. I started intentionally making time to be alone. But not just that, I planned something I could do during that time. I wasn't just going to sit in a corner and mope. I wasn't punishing myself for goodness sakes - I was treating myself! And you know, as I've started doing something every day that makes me happy to be alone, I've stopped feeling like something has been stolen from me. It's making it easier to see the beauty of this world rather than just the darkness in it. I have hope - and it's a hope no one can steal from me because it doesn't depend on anyone but myself, and that is truly a beautiful thing.

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Placing your hope in a better man coming along - or in my case a past boyfriend coming back - is a recipe for disaster.

Allow me to explain...

If another man does come along, and  you're hope is in him saving you or healing you, then you are more likely to ignore (or simply not see) red flags. Let's follow that through. If you can't see or don't listen to those red flags then it is very likely that you are going to get stuck in that relationship, good or bad. Your freedom of choice is gone because you've used your hope to chain yourself to the next man that comes along. Terrible, terrible idea.

But what if we were to put our hope in something else? Something we know to be inherently good? Something that has always brought us peace in the past? What if we changed our focus so that our healing and happiness depended on us rather than someone else... What if we could start that healing now rather than waiting on the perfect guy to come along. What if...

Hence the reason for the title of this post - find your happy place! Find the things you can do that make you happy.

For me that has been going on hikes over the weekend. Running after work along a gorgeous path by my apartment. Watching sappy, goofy movies at night when the memories are hardest to fight. Carving pumpkins with my church group. Eating lunch outside under the awnings. Fishing by the dam....

It really doesn't matter what you do - so long as it doesn't depend on another individual. Get alone and enjoy it! Because, like it or not, you are going to have to live with yourself for the rest of your life. You are the only person guaranteed to be in your life until you pass away.

Courage?

I have been confusing 'hardness of heart' with 'strength' lately, and 'desperation' with 'courage'. Silly me, I should know better by now. Any animal will fight when backed into a corner - true courage is sometimes choosing not to fight. Or at least, choosing to fight the enemy within rather than the enemies without.

This world. . . it frightens me. I am afraid so often now - but that's ok because it means I have a challenge. Does that make any sense? A step forward is not just a step forward anymore. Now it is an act of defiance. Now each step I take is saying "I have more faith in myself and my God than my fear of you".

A step is not just a step anymore.

I want to make war on this world. I want to be angry. I want to deliver justice.. But I do not want to live a life at war. I do not want to hate and I do not want to harden my heart... But I want to be safe. Is that too much to ask for? Yes, unfortunately it is. There is nothing more I could have done to stop what happened a couple weeks ago, and so there is little more I can do to guarantee that it will not happen again. 

Hell.

I've seen it in their eyes.

Hell.

I've felt it in their hands. 

Hell.

I've tasted it on their lips.

Hell. 

It has looked upon me, touched me, kissed me..

Hell. 

It shall not have me.

 One day I will no longer be afraid. One day I'll be able to go on a date without keeping my eyes on the exits. I'll be able to close my eyes and not see them. I'll be able to sleep a whole night through and not wake in terror... And maybe one day someone stronger than me will protect me so that I can let my guard down again. 

I don't know why I'm writing this... Maybe it's because I hope that by writing it out, it will strengthen my resolve to never give up hope for something better. 

I went hiking this weekend... Our world is such a beautiful place! How the sun played across the surface of the creeks... It's all so peaceful. No matter how dark my world gets, it can't take the sun from me. It can't take away my memories of forgotten trails and dark forests. Of Robert's arms around me. Of the way he used to look at me and smile, for no reason at all. Of watching children chase frogs into the creeks and squealing as they got splashed each time.

The darkness would have us believe that it can overpower the light in our lives. But a single candle can chase away a room full of darkness. A single smile, a kind word, an innocent laugh and suddenly the world is light again. 

Plan #2 - Spoil

I got to thinking...

Part of the problem with this whole situation is that I felt used. I felt like I meant nothing. Like I was nothing. THAT was the problem. Physically, I was safe. Emotionally, I was not.

So, what do you do when the world treats you like trash for no good reason? Well, I figured I'd just start treating myself better than that.

The way I see it - if I can't count on others to treat me well and value who I am, than I would simply have to value myself.

I'm learning, every day, to take the time to do something that makes me feel beautiful. Even if that just means tweezing my eyebrows! At first I felt foolish.. Why was I wasting time on superficial beauty? Why was I putting my energy in something so selfish as me?

But you see, it's not about being selfish. It's about having self pride. About saying that you are worth the time and attention. It's about wanting to look your best because you value who you are. Think about it - if you love and value a dear friend in your life, do you not take the time out every now and then to go for a walk with them? Or go to get your nails done? Or do your hair together? You're showing her that you value her. Why on earth do we not treat ourselves with the same respect?! 

And you know what? As I've learned to take the time to do something that makes me feel beautiful, my mindset is changing and I'm unconsciously expecting others to treat me better. I'm expecting others to treat me with respect and difference. Not in a conceited way, but because I now have a standard. I was on the verge of thinking that I deserved no better than what I had received in the past. That it was a reflection of who I am that all these things happened to me. NO! No, it's not. It's a reflection of who they are. They made the choice. They didn't listen. They showed no honor. It is not a reflection of  who you are when others treat you bad... The reflection of who you are is how long you allow them to treat you bad. 

Angry - by TB LaBerge

Plan #1 - Fight

I need a plan.

I need something to fight - a physical challenge to beat. So I'm going to work my ass off. 

Running, weights, the climbing gym... I will push myself beyond my limits until I have such an iron mental control that I can deal with this. 

It's too raw right now... I walk down that path and I get lost inside the storm inside of me. So I'm going to train myself to bend my emotions to my mind. Once I can control myself, I can deal with what happened. Patience - I need to use it on myself. 

I don't have to have all of the answers now. I don't have to deal with it now. I have to make myself ready first. It's my "why". The reason I use to get out of bed in the morning to run. The reason I stay up late working with weights. 

I am not using this to distract myself or to forget what happened. No, it stays at the front of my mind. It is the reason why I will push until I can't. Why I will get back up when I think I can't. 

Why. I. Will. Not. Quit. 

J will not win. What he did will not cripple me. I will not quit. I will not give up. I will fight - because I am worth it, whether they think so or not. I will fight because no one else is going to fight for me. I cannot wait for a knight in shinning armor. No one is going to sweep in and make this hell into heaven.... 

So I will. 

I'm finished with hating reality, so I'm going to change it. No more living how I 'should'. I'm quite simply just going to live.

Brian Stann - Mental over physical - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wh0apFY3ewM

Words

Words....

People love to give them out - makes the speaker feel as if they are doing something helpful and relieves them of their guilt for not actually being there. But these only seem to leave us (the recipients) lonelier than ever. It's so easy in this day to do. We respond with a text instead of a visit. A message instead of a phone call... Human contact is so very important, especially after it has been used in such a wrong way. We need a reminder that human touch is good. We need to be close to someone who will not injure us in order to believe that the harm we'd suffered was not the world, just a piece of it.

Words aren't what we need!

We need a hug. Someone to hold our hand. Someone to go for a walk with. To steal us away from this hell that we're in and give us a chance to recuperate. To just listen, put their arm around our shoulders, and tell us that it's all going to be ok - because they won't abandon us. We need hope. We need a reason to believe that the world is still good. That it's still worth living in..

And we need a plan. A goal. Something to be working towards.



Everyone seems to say "you're strong, you can get through this".... But it gets so flipping exhausting being strong all of the time. Sometimes we just don't have any "strong" left and we need someone to step in and be that for us.