I need something to fight - a physical challenge to beat. So I'm going to work my ass off.
Running, weights, the climbing gym... I will push myself beyond my limits until I have such an iron mental control that I can deal with this.
It's too raw right now... I walk down that path and I get lost inside the storm inside of me. So I'm going to train myself to bend my emotions to my mind. Once I can control myself, I can deal with what happened. Patience - I need to use it on myself.
I don't have to have all of the answers now. I don't have to deal with it now. I have to make myself ready first. It's my "why". The reason I use to get out of bed in the morning to run. The reason I stay up late working with weights.
I am not using this to distract myself or to forget what happened. No, it stays at the front of my mind. It is the reason why I will push until I can't. Why I will get back up when I think I can't.
Why. I. Will. Not. Quit.
J will not win. What he did will not cripple me. I will not quit. I will not give up. I will fight - because I am worth it, whether they think so or not. I will fight because no one else is going to fight for me. I cannot wait for a knight in shinning armor. No one is going to sweep in and make this hell into heaven....
So I will.
I'm finished with hating reality, so I'm going to change it. No more living how I 'should'. I'm quite simply just going to live.
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