Courage?

I have been confusing 'hardness of heart' with 'strength' lately, and 'desperation' with 'courage'. Silly me, I should know better by now. Any animal will fight when backed into a corner - true courage is sometimes choosing not to fight. Or at least, choosing to fight the enemy within rather than the enemies without.

This world. . . it frightens me. I am afraid so often now - but that's ok because it means I have a challenge. Does that make any sense? A step forward is not just a step forward anymore. Now it is an act of defiance. Now each step I take is saying "I have more faith in myself and my God than my fear of you".

A step is not just a step anymore.

I want to make war on this world. I want to be angry. I want to deliver justice.. But I do not want to live a life at war. I do not want to hate and I do not want to harden my heart... But I want to be safe. Is that too much to ask for? Yes, unfortunately it is. There is nothing more I could have done to stop what happened a couple weeks ago, and so there is little more I can do to guarantee that it will not happen again. 

Hell.

I've seen it in their eyes.

Hell.

I've felt it in their hands. 

Hell.

I've tasted it on their lips.

Hell. 

It has looked upon me, touched me, kissed me..

Hell. 

It shall not have me.

 One day I will no longer be afraid. One day I'll be able to go on a date without keeping my eyes on the exits. I'll be able to close my eyes and not see them. I'll be able to sleep a whole night through and not wake in terror... And maybe one day someone stronger than me will protect me so that I can let my guard down again. 

I don't know why I'm writing this... Maybe it's because I hope that by writing it out, it will strengthen my resolve to never give up hope for something better. 

I went hiking this weekend... Our world is such a beautiful place! How the sun played across the surface of the creeks... It's all so peaceful. No matter how dark my world gets, it can't take the sun from me. It can't take away my memories of forgotten trails and dark forests. Of Robert's arms around me. Of the way he used to look at me and smile, for no reason at all. Of watching children chase frogs into the creeks and squealing as they got splashed each time.

The darkness would have us believe that it can overpower the light in our lives. But a single candle can chase away a room full of darkness. A single smile, a kind word, an innocent laugh and suddenly the world is light again.