A memory..
The cool ice from the windowpane cuts into my cheek, numbing my jaw, freezing the tears running down the side of my face. In an attempt to freeze the pain in my heart, I lean against the glass and close my eyes on the world, allowing the pain to grow inside of me. To the black backdrop of my eyelids a play begins to unfold. Two lovers meet. Their sweet days in the sun and the secrets shared were all there. Winter hits and they spend long nights in each other’s arms watching the world morph into something new. So innocent was their love that all of nature seemed to want to protect it.
Tears spill from my eyes as the scene change takes place. The moon looks down and can do nothing as the boy watches the woman he loves sleep. The curves of her body are home to him; and watching her at peace, something inside of him changes. An animal kept hidden for too long emerges. The stars hide their faces as the boy slowly climbs on top of the sleeping girl and begins to take what wasn't his. In desperation the wind slams into the house, shaking the window panes and doors – waking the girl with a start. In confusion she tries to get away, but he refuses to allow her to get up. “I’m taking advantage of this opportunity while I have it” he snarls as he slams the girl back into the couch. In panic she flails at him until he gets tired of fighting and gets up. As he leaves, the girl pulls her knees to her chest and watches her love walk away, and as his steps become silent so does her heart. Where their love had once filled her, there was an emptiness she recognized all too well. Not able to take the play any longer I snap my eyes open and stare blankly out of the frosted window.
Without my knowledge the moon relinquishes the sky to the sun and warmth reaches out to touch my tired eyes. And with the sun’s touch I feel a hand on my arm. I turn my face from the window and in horror see the boy from the play not two feet from me. Frantically I scramble away, backing myself into the protective arms of the couch – which had been a prop in the play I’d watched with closed eyes. Tears stream down my face as I stare back at him defiantly. Fear I had, but anger I had as well; anger at the emptiness, anger at the one who had given it to me. I did not move as he spoke of my strange behavior to his mother, as he brushed it off as nothing important; but in my heart the emptiness began to burn.
For as I left my mind and returned to the world before me I could feel the damage done to my body by a man I had loved. I could feel the blood between my legs and the bruises on my arms and back, and I was mad. Determining the source of my anger would be like finding the ocean’s starting point so deep was my wrath. But the anger lasted only long enough for me to get to my car. Once safe I locked the doors, rested my hands on the steering wheel, and cried. Not because of pain or fear, but for what I had lost. For those moments of bliss when he woke me with a kiss. For the crazy intimacy we had shared so often. And I vowed to myself that I would never again get close enough to a man that if things ended I wouldn't be able to go on with my life. Alone and strong I swore to be. And during the day I was. But under the watchful eyes of the moon I cried myself to sleep each night and woke in terror.
This took place January 1st, 2013. Almost a year and a half ago...
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